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Bert
is Evil !
Classified Documents
of Mars Surveillance
Dear sir,
I was recently told of your "Bert is Evil" investigation and thought
that you might be interested in the attached image. Understand that
this image comes to me from a trusted friend who worked at Jet Propulsion
Laboratories between 1975 and 1992. I have no reason to distrust this
friend, but he wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.
On July 25th, 1976, this picture (frame 35A72) of the Cydonia region
of Mars (at 41 deg. N latitude 9.5 deg. longitude) was photographed
by Viking Orbiter 1. The mission was to identify potential landing sites
for the Viking Lander 2. As you can see this landform bears a striking
resemblance to the evil Bert. This photograph was suppressed by higher-ups
in our government and an alternate landing site for Viking 2 was selected.
What conclusions can we draw from this image? First of all, the only
life forms that we know of that developed on Mars were single-celled
organisms. Considering the immensity of this formation (2.5 km long
x 2.0 km wide x 0.4 km tall) it becomes immediately apparent that the
logistics of single-celled organisms building such a stone monument
to Bert are mind boggling. Why, it would make the construction of the
pyramids at Giza look like a sand castle building contest. According
to the facts as I have presented them, ancient Martians by the billions
were obviously enslaved by their Bert-worshiping overlords for this
project. But why? Is it a mute testament to the devotion of a long dead
race to the evil Bert (whom they must have worshipped as a god)? Is
it a warning of some kind? As if to tell humanity that we are not welcome
in space, that we should go no further? And why Bert? We have no record
of a Bert before 1969, and yet here he is immortalized on a rock formation
believed to date back to some time between Earth's Precambrian era and
the late mezzanine level. Did Bert somehow time travel and convince
the ancient Martians to do his bidding? Is it possible that a visionary
Martian microbe looked into the future, saw Bert, and was so affected
by the evil images that washed over him that this single-celled Nostradamus
was compelled to put his visions to rock? I know not. But clearly spending
a lot of money on costly Mars probes to investigate this further is
warranted.
Cordially,
N. Ross Gilbert
Aerologist-at-large
Note that this image has been digitally enhanced somewhat. But only
a little.