Bert is Evil!:
Interview with best buddy Ernie

The following is an interview with Ernie, best friend, roommate and confidant to Bert. Some scenes deemed explicit by the editor have been cut out, but still remains graphic. Reader's discretion is again stressed.

Interviewer: How long have you known Bert?

Ernie: Oh, over 20 years now.

Interviewer: have you always lived together?

Ernie: Yes, for as long as I remember.

Interviewer: How has it been living with him?

Ernie: It has been really difficult.

Interviewer: Difficult? Can you elaborate.

Ernie:Well you see... um.. Bert is kinda has a dual personality... during the show, he's a pushover and very geeky. But when the camera stops rolling he becomes a raging maniac.

Interviewer:Maniac.. how do you mean?

Ernie: Well he hurts me and stuff.

Interviewer: Why do you still live with him then?

Ernie: He says if I leave the apartment he'll kill me and Rubber Duckie.

Interviewer: He can't possibly be serious.

Ernie: He is, he is very capable of this. Once, me and Duckie tried to escape... He almost strangled me to death.

Interviewer: Why does he force you to stay?

Ernie: I think he needs company, you know when he overdoses and stuff, also he likes to touch me. He ------CUT------

Interviewer: Here, here, please stop crying. (pause) Are you okay now?

Ernie: (sniff) Yes, please continue.

Interviewer: You mentioned overdosing... overdosing on what?

Ernie: Bert experiments with all kinds of stuff, L.S.D., Speed, Ecstasy, Heroin, Cocaine, Cannabis... he taught me all the names... I hate him most when he is high.

Interviewer: Why?

Ernie: It's when he's high when he makes me do stuff.

Interviewer: What kind of stuff?

Ernie: He makes me go to the Pigeon shed and ------CUT------

Interviewer: What??!!

Ernie: Please I cannot talk anymore... I gotto go.

The Interview ended abruptly with Ernie hysterically shaking and in tears.... We persued no longer, this soul was already in too much pain.

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